Thursday, 1 August 2013

I'm a 'don't'!

Grief sux! I wish I could tell you it gets better, that eventually, you will carry on as if the big gap in your life had been repaired like an open cut does. I'd love to tell you that something else fills that huge grand canyon that is left inside of you after someone passes over. I would be pleased to tell you that it only takes 'x' amount of days/months/weeks, before you feel whole again. And lets face it, for some people it is as easy as that. For some people, they seem to be more resilient, or perhaps they realise they are lucky to be here and that they should make the most of every moment of every day. I don't know why it is that some people bounce back, while others don't.
I'm a don't. I still miss Butch every day. I still feel pain when I imagine my life without him. I am so frickin envious when I see elderly couples walking hand in hand, and I know I have been cheated out of this. I hate it when people talk about how annoying or awful their partner/spouse is, because they have no idea what it will be like if they weren't around. I am tired of explaining that I'm not interested in jumping into bed with anyone just because I haven't had a partner for a while. Yep, I'm very much a 'don't'!
However, the experience of being a 'don't', has made me an awesome and understanding listener, when others are going through their own grief expedition. I am more human as a result of my experience, because to be honest, I don't believe I appreciated how others were truly affected by grief before Butch passed. It was one of 'those things' that happen to other people.And I guess, in  my eyes, those that I knew who went through it, seemed to be okay. They seemed to be 'handling it' well. I never knew how much was hidden below the surface, that was never exposed or revealed to others because of our attitude to grief.
So, when we are struck by grief, we don't know how to act. We have no concept of the right or wrong way, but we do know that almost no one really wants to be reminded of our sadness, loss and grief. Society's laws hide behind the fake smiles and the platitudes, not daring to delve beneath the surface.
When we lose someone we love, we lose a part of our identity, because we can never be the same person we were while we were with/around them. Because of this, its almost like we have to rebuild ourselves again, to redefine who we are now they are gone. It can be a long and slow process, as well as a heartbreaking one.
Did you know that we are joined to those we love by an invisible cord that comes from our solar plexus - around our navel area? When they leave their physical form that cord snaps, and that's why when someone passes we feel intense pain or can't hold ourselves upright. Did you know that we can reconnect the spiritual cord that we've always had, but we forgot existed, to help us to feel still connected to them? ...and all we have to do is visualise, ask or say it's so for it to reconnect?
Did you know that feeling guilty is one of the biggest and baddest emotions (besides the obvious ones of pain, loneliness and sadness) we experience during our grief expedition. We can sometimes wonder if we are suffering from a karmic lesson. Well, I'm sorry, I don't believe there is such a thing as karma, its a belief that we need to be punished, so we create it to ensure we get our 'just desserts'.
Guilt is something that affects us deeply when we grieve. It makes huge mountains out of tiny mounds and its hard to remember all the good stuff, because there is all this negative guilt and regret playing out in our head. Everything is black and white, not gray allowed. We were either good or bad, and mostly we pick bad... just sayin'
Losing someone sucks big-time! Its hard knowing we will never see them in the physical form again. One last hug, one last kiss, one last 'anything' would be so awesome....

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