♫♪ Acid In Your Pocket ♫♪

There are times when life doesn't turn out the way we envisioned it and, it is at these times, that our body responds in a way to match our grief, anger and frustration. We create an 'acid pocket'. To try and give you an idea how this works, lets look at when we wear a pair of tight shoes that give us a blister on our heel. The blister 'puffs up' and fills with a fluid to help us repair the damage we have done.
The same is true when we are going through grief and anger, but it works a little differently. We may develop warts, mouth ulcers, cracks in our tongues, swollen bellies, or our tears may burn like acid as they course down our cheeks. Although this isn't a similar healing fluid that we may find in burns and blisters, it does have it's own purpose. It reminds us that we aren't feeling/looking/tasting the sweetness in life.
If we address what is happening around us, and our reaction to it, we discover that these little 'acid pockets' dissipate, and life goes back to 'normal'. However, if we refuse to acknowledge our pain, hurt, frustration and sadness, the pocket can become bigger or affect us in more ways. Our body is designed to heal itself on a physical level, but on an emotional level, it needs us to meet it halfway.
It has been said that our pH level is extremely important; that as far as cancer is concerned an acidic environment allows it to flourish. It has also been said that our emotions are an important aspect of a cancer journey. Most cancer locations alert us to what emotion/area of our life needs addressing. Now of course there are people who will pooh-pooh this theory, because that is what it is. However, I often see the connection between site and hurt in my healing work, and to me this makes total sense.
Part of our problem is that we believe that when things 'go wrong' that we have lost control over our life, thanks to an event or situation that has had an impact on us, when really we never had the control to begin with. Life isn't controlled by us, neither does it control us. Life happens around us, and what we choose to do with it is the driving force between an event and what happens next. Sometimes we need to look at our re-action and understand what is happening within that is being triggered by it.
So, if  you are tasting acid, if you are crying acid, if there is an acid pocket in your life, perhaps it is time to look at it a little differently and understand yourself, your emotions and your body a little more to assist in the healing process.

I'm a 'don't'!

Grief sux! I wish I could tell you it gets better, that eventually, you will carry on as if the big gap in your life had been repaired like an open cut does. I'd love to tell you that something else fills that huge grand canyon that is left inside of you after someone passes over. I would be pleased to tell you that it only takes 'x' amount of days/months/weeks, before you feel whole again. And lets face it, for some people it is as easy as that. For some people, they seem to be more resilient, or perhaps they realise they are lucky to be here and that they should make the most of every moment of every day. I don't know why it is that some people bounce back, while others don't.
I'm a don't. I still miss Butch every day. I still feel pain when I imagine my life without him. I am so frickin envious when I see elderly couples walking hand in hand, and I know I have been cheated out of this. I hate it when people talk about how annoying or awful their partner/spouse is, because they have no idea what it will be like if they weren't around. I am tired of explaining that I'm not interested in jumping into bed with anyone just because I haven't had a partner for a while. Yep, I'm very much a 'don't'!
However, the experience of being a 'don't', has made me an awesome and understanding listener, when others are going through their own grief expedition. I am more human as a result of my experience, because to be honest, I don't believe I appreciated how others were truly affected by grief before Butch passed. It was one of 'those things' that happen to other people.And I guess, in  my eyes, those that I knew who went through it, seemed to be okay. They seemed to be 'handling it' well. I never knew how much was hidden below the surface, that was never exposed or revealed to others because of our attitude to grief.
So, when we are struck by grief, we don't know how to act. We have no concept of the right or wrong way, but we do know that almost no one really wants to be reminded of our sadness, loss and grief. Society's laws hide behind the fake smiles and the platitudes, not daring to delve beneath the surface.
When we lose someone we love, we lose a part of our identity, because we can never be the same person we were while we were with/around them. Because of this, its almost like we have to rebuild ourselves again, to redefine who we are now they are gone. It can be a long and slow process, as well as a heartbreaking one.
Did you know that we are joined to those we love by an invisible cord that comes from our solar plexus - around our navel area? When they leave their physical form that cord snaps, and that's why when someone passes we feel intense pain or can't hold ourselves upright. Did you know that we can reconnect the spiritual cord that we've always had, but we forgot existed, to help us to feel still connected to them? ...and all we have to do is visualise, ask or say it's so for it to reconnect?
Did you know that feeling guilty is one of the biggest and baddest emotions (besides the obvious ones of pain, loneliness and sadness) we experience during our grief expedition. We can sometimes wonder if we are suffering from a karmic lesson. Well, I'm sorry, I don't believe there is such a thing as karma, its a belief that we need to be punished, so we create it to ensure we get our 'just desserts'.
Guilt is something that affects us deeply when we grieve. It makes huge mountains out of tiny mounds and its hard to remember all the good stuff, because there is all this negative guilt and regret playing out in our head. Everything is black and white, not gray allowed. We were either good or bad, and mostly we pick bad... just sayin'
Losing someone sucks big-time! Its hard knowing we will never see them in the physical form again. One last hug, one last kiss, one last 'anything' would be so awesome....

My first ever blog about grief - 9 June 2011

Since Butch passed in 2008 there are some days where I feel like the rest of my life stretches out in front of me like a huge barren desert, lonely, unwelcoming, unforgiving and full of hidden dangers.  Other days I feel as if life is worth living, there is good to be found everywhere, the magic still exists and it's okay to be alive.
I admit there are less of the barren deserts now than there once was, but it doesn't make them any less scary.
The trouble with a grieving expedition is no one can go through it for you, no one can 'do it for you' and no amount of heartache will ever change the fact the person you love is gone. 
There are people out there who believe I should be over Butch's passing by now, I should be actively seeking to 'replace' him and get on with my life. I was told a year ago that by April I would be able to look at a photo of Butch and feel no heart wrenching loss.  I would look at it and think 'Yes, I knew him!'  Nothing could be further from the truth.  (In fact I have been testing that theory at least once a week since April and nup, still not happening!)  I don't expect it to either.  What we had was so special, I won't be surprised if I still feel this way as I take my last breath.  And you know what?  That's okay, because that's my choice and my journey.  I don't have to conform to anyone else's perception of how my grief should progress, I just have to be true to me.
I have found it difficult at times because most of the people I met haven't lost their partner, or knew what it was like to lose such an integral part of yourself.  They had much advice, but I found it hard to take them seriously when they hadn't experienced a loss like mine.  Lots of peple told me how great I was doing and how strong I was, but that was obviously their perception because I have been falling apart inside for what seems like forever.
Don't get me wrong I have also met some wonderful people who knew how hard it was to pick up the pieces after Butch passed and they were an inspiration to me.  They shone a bright light into the dark tunnel that was my life and helped me move forward.  I hope you have had 'angels of light' on your grieving expedition and know how awe-inspiring they can be, with their encouragement and support.
Hope & Encouragement
Cherie

Grief = Depression Y/N?

I've been hearing through various forms of media lately, that grief may be classified as a form of clinical depression, through some complicated form of analysis..
A part of me is happy that there is finally some recognition for grief, but the other part of me is shaking it's head and saying 'What the...?'
All too often when someone is on a grief expedition of any kind, whether it is the loss of a loved one or a job, we do get sad and depressed. How could we not? Our life has changed dramatically. Things will never be the same. We will never be the same.
As we struggle to pick up the pieces, we are told to start looking ahead, don't worry, time will heal, think about 'other stuff' or just 'get over it'.
Nobody wants to talk about grief. It makes us feel uncomfortable. After all, what can we sat to make the other person feel better? Well, lets face it, not a lot..but we could listen.
There is no easy answer to helping someone while they are in their grief bubble. The best and kindest thing we can do is to allow them to release some of their thoughts, angst and even guilt (which is usually misplaced or magnified during a grief cycle) they are carrying around.
Most people, including me, find it difficult to express the many aspects of our grief. We feel out of step with the world. It's as if we have lost our beginning and our end - we are stuck there, somewhere in the middle, unsure which direction we should travel in.
As we hold in our emotions, pain and loss, we can withdraw into ourselves as we try to work our way through it all.
After losing someone we love, we already have a feeling of disconnection and being/feeling different. So when those we depend on aren't offering us the support and encouragement we desperately need, we can spiral into the dark depths of a grief based depression. Once we are there, it can seem like a struggle to get out again.
Most of us reach for help in one for or another. If we feel we aren't getting it, we can turn to habits and addictions. I know for me, after being smoke-free for over 20 years, I turned to cigarettes. They became my best friends. They were always there, it didn't matter what time of the day or night. They were never too busy or worried they would upset me. I didn't have to explain, all I needed to do was reach for them and there they were.
It took me over four years to feel I could survive without my 'best friends'. It was a long slow process, where I discovered who I was, what I liked about me, what I didn't, what I wanted to do and what I didn't. It has been a hell of a ride and I am not the same person I once was.
I haven't 'got over' my grief, its still there. Not a day goes past without sadness, regret or pain. I accept that this is just the way it will be. For so long I fought against what I was going through. I had never seen anyone else go through grief before. I hadn't seen how it rips the rug out from underneath you and sets you on your arse, wondering how the hell you will ever stand up again. Grief had always been something that was hidden within the dark corners of 'society's laws'.
It isn't that complicated really. Grief makes you sad. It makes you depressed. It can make you feel as if you want to end your life. It can make you feel unreasonable and unrealistic guilt. It can make you feel that life isn't worth living without the person you lost. It can leave you disconnected and lonely. It can make you afraid and fearful. It can rock your world. It can make you angry with the world, with yourself, or with no one in particular. Whether we want to admit it or not, grief helps us get in touch with our emotions, especially the ones, we haven't looked at or wanted to acknowledge.
The best we can hope is to through it, to find our way through this midnight maze of sadness and torment, to find that place of peace within our hearts. For it is when we reach that point, we can begin to believe life really is 'for us' and we start to honour ourselves, our life and our place in the world.